Everywhere I go there seems to be misery, pain, and discord, and it's really bringing me down.
My friends all seem to be struggling with various issues (myself included) and as a result I haven't been wanting to hang out as much. I've cut off contact with all but a few close friends, and even then I have only wanted to hang out for a couple of hours, and usually want to go home ASAP. When I do hang out, I try not to talk about my problems too much, as I know they either don't want to hear it or have too many issues of their own to really listen. When I go to see them it looks as if they are happy, but I can tell it's all a show. If I dare ask what is up, they will either overwhelm me with their own problems or else get mad and say that I concern myself too much with their emotions and I should worry only about my own.
A place that I used to go to in order to get away from my problems was my grandparents' house down in Woodland Hills, but I haven't been down there in many months. I used to go down there whenever I got the opportunity, their big house provided me with a sense of comfort and security, and my grandfather would spoil me rotten and treat me like the most important person in the world. Now, however, my grandfather is 88 years old, his short term memory is all but gone and he spends the vast majority of his time in bed, getting up every once in a while to eat or use the bathroom. He still remembers who I am of course and when my parents were down there recently they told me that he missed me and wanted to see me. It depresses me greatly to the point where I don't want to even call them (I used to call them every other day). I am going to go see them sometime in November, but it's going to be difficult.
After wasting a considerable amount of time in a fake "relationship" with someone who was pretending to be someone else, and watching some friends go from one failed relationship to another and others hoping for a relationship thinking that it would solve all their problems and not doing anything else with their lives, I gave up looking for a relationship. I don't want to grow emotionally attached to anyone or anything else at this point in time, because when I grow emotionally attached to things I worry about every little thing that goes wrong, and then when something big goes wrong I become too depressed and apathetic to help them. I am a very sexual person as well though and want to see what it feels like, but that's all I want. Plus there is the annoyance of various friends saying I need to get laid and making me feel uncomfortable being the one of the few virgins in the crowd. I desire to give myself physically to someone else yet not emotionally, which is kind of difficult for anyone who wants an emotional relationship with me.
Another thing that is sort of depressing me, and if you think this is stupid then kindly go fuck yourself, is that I still am grieving for the cat that i had to put down back in March. I was 6 when I first got Mew Mew, I watched her grow from a frisky kitten into a fat lazy cat. I would get very worried when she went outside and wouldn't come back for several hours. I worried a lot about her (an example of me getting too emotionally attached). When we put her down I didn't shed a tear, my grief is beyond tears. My other cat, Oreo, is still around, but I just don't feel the same connection with him that I had with Mew Mew, mainly because Oreo was a stray cat who adopted us and we didn't get to see him as a kitten. We don't know how old he is. I would like to get another cat but my parents aren't ready, and knowing them it will be a long time because they are big procrastinators.
I wish that the people in my life were happy, that there were places I could go that gave me the same level of security as my grandparents house, and that I have something to replace the things I lost. It was a big accomplishment for me to finally get my driver's license and I feel more independent now more than ever, but it's lonely at the top. I can do a whole bunch of things by myself that will benefit me, but if I don't have the people, places, and things in my life that matter, I kind of get a sense of "What's the point?".
