It's true I haven't really expressed how I feel about what happened to me recently regarding my "relationship", other than wanting to get revenge on the person who did this to me, so I'm going to express how I feel about everything...
For those of you who don't know about what happened I will explain. Around January, I think it was while I was in New Hampshire, or maybe shortly after I got back, I met a girl online named Lilith, who I called Lily. She was from Switzerland. Lily originally began talking to Russell and upon seeing a photograph of him and me together she told him that she thought I was really attractive, so he told me about her. I started talking to her online and so did a couple of my other friends. They all told me that they could see chemistry between the two of us by the way we were talking to each other. I eventually began talking to her through MSN and it was there that we did most of our getting to know each other. We had a lot of things in common, including liking the same music, being very close with our grandparents, interests in Norse Mythology and Heathenism, and enjoying a considerable amount of time to ourselves. She posted on her DarkStarlings profile that she had someone close to her heart, and upon seeing that I became worried that she had found someone else, but then I talked to her on MSN and she explained that the person she was referring to was me, that she sensed a connection between the two of us. This made my anxiety turn to butterflies in my stomach. I was very happy. When she friended me on Facebook she posted that she was in a relationship with me, and asked me to confirm. I did without any hesitation.
Lily told me that she had family in the area and that she was planning on a visit to see them, and that I could stay with her at her parents' house for as long as I wanted. She kept making plans to come out here but would always have to cancel for one reason or another. The first time she did so was because she had to go to Germany to take care of her grandparents, who were ill. I respected this because as I said earlier I understood her closeness to her grandparents because I am very close with mine. The second time she had to cancel because she was ill. But she made plans to come out here in July. She even posted an "Event" thing on Facebook about her trip out here. I wanted to hear her voice before she came out here, my parents even suggested that I make one phone call out to her. She said that phone calls would indeed be expensive but that we would talk once she got out here. I was beginning to get really concerned that she wasn't who she said she was, the time of her trip was drawing closer and I had hardly heard anything from her. A few friends suggested I make a video for her and encourage her to make me a reply video. I did just that. When I posted the video she responded by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry to have to do this but our relationship must end, it will only cause more pain". She then ended her relationship with me. She explained her reasoning for canceling the trip because of once again being ill, but at this point I was very suspicious and so were my parents and several of my friends, though ironically Russell and Lloyd continued to remain optimistic and encouraged me to be so as well.
I decided to do some investigating so I reported her to Eon, the guy who runs DarkStarlings. He traced her IP address and said that the person who I was talking to was in the western part of the United States, most likely Las Vegas, although he originally suspected Seattle, but nowhere near Switzerland. He then linked me to the profile of the person who I was most likely talking to. It turned out to be Roxi, one of Russell's ex girlfriends who had a history of making fake profiles. Even after they broke up Russell and Roxi remained close and I was also friends with her, I was very supportive of her as well during difficult times, I would ask her what was wrong and would offer advice. Why she would do something like this to someone who had been nothing but good to her the entire time I knew her? I sent her a message telling her to explain herself, and of course she denied everything, which I wasn't surprised. Of course after this I blocked her and deleted her from all my friend lists.
I was surprised at how unsympathetic some of my friends seemed to be, I got kind of annoyed that I felt like they didn't care that I had just gone through a major disappointment and that I put a lot of emotional energy into something that not only didn't pan out but wasn't even there in the first place. They later explained that they felt that I was holding up well and didn't really seem very saddened by what happened. They told me they felt I was relieved.
Part of me did indeed feel relieved when my fraud of a relationship was over. I was putting a lot of unnecessary stress on myself in order to "prepare" for her being here. The fact that this was all a fake angers me and upsets me more than me going after a girl who didn't like me in return ever could. The time I spent during the summer waiting for her to be here was time I could have spent going down to Southern California to see my grandparents (I have not been down to see them all year and I'm note sure when it will be convenient for me to go, which depresses me even more).
6 months. 6 months of my life I put on hold, all for something that never was. That is what is depressing me the most, forget the fake "girl of my dreams", I'm just angry that someone would waste all this time doing this to waste someone else's time
While it is true that I have held up pretty well I certainly haven't felt the same since all this has happened. I have been as depressed as ever. I haven't really felt like hanging out with my friends save for my band members. They have told me that if I hang out more I'll feel less depressed, but I have often felt that when I drag myself to hang out when I'm not in the mood it literally is painful and I don't really enjoy myself. My facial hair is longer than it has been for quite a while, I haven't shaved since this all happened. I decided not to go to school this semester because I was really sick and tired of dealing with people and their drama. I wanted to focus on more personal goals such as my driver's license and my album that I am working on with Russell.
While I have been taking the bull by the horns and trying to get said things done, I still feel like I am being eaten from the inside. Part of me feels like it isn't worth it. Another part of me really despises people and doesn't want anything to do with them, even in a business-like manner (Why should I work for them, they don't care about me at all). Another part of me does desire love and companionship, but it's the smallest of the three. I see a lot of my friends seeking out a relationship in the hopes that it will make their life better, and I think that relationships only work once you find the right person, and that could take years. It sure as hell ain't happening in my life anytime soon.
For right now I am just trying to be happy. I at least still do have a place to stay, and I will hopefully be getting a car soon as well. I have a family that loves me, and I have friends who really do care, even if I have trouble seeing it some times. All these people want is for me to be happy. These are the only people who I really care about and because I enjoy their company I live for them. If I didn't have them I would probably be dead, as I hate so many things to the point where I'm not motivated at all.
Anyway, to all my friends, thank you for sticking by me, I'm sorry I haven't been hanging out at much, now you know why, hopefully. I hope to see you all very soon.
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